My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
