Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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