Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
