I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
