No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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