I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Randomize
