Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
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I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
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