Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
