I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
