ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
