You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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