Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
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Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
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He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
The cops high fived after they tackled you
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