I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Acid is not a monday night drug
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
