I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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