i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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