your parents love me but you hate me
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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