Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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