When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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