Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Randomize
