and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
