I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
