I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
