i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
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my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
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If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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