Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
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Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
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I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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