why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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