Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
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I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
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Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
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