I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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