I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
