remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
