I'm so fucking centered right now
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
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I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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