you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
