You made me cry and you don't even care
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Randomize
