i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
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I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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