I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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