Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
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