Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
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I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
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They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
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