TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
