Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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