God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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