I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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