Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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