when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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