I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
