I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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