he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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