you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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