the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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