so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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