Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Holy sore nipples Batman
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
