Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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