omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
