I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
