"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
