I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.