You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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