his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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