I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
