do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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