your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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