you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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