best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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