The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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