I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
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And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
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i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
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