Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
